The Faketrix
by imriel452
Summary: This is actually not suitable for under 15's as there is a lot of swearing. This centres around the fabled three, Morphine, Infinity and of course the First, BO. The Faketrix will soon be followed by Matrix: Rebooted and Matrix: Elevations. Please RR!
1. Default Chapter

The Faketrix:

**The Beginning Chapter:**

The Phone rang. When it was picked up, the tracking began.

"Lifer, are you sure this line is clean?"

"Hey, I may have had to get it by colonic irrigation, but I disinfected it. Sorry if that was too much information, by the way." There was a clicking sound.

"Did you hear that?" said Infinity.

"You're hearing things. You enjoy watching him, don't you?"

"Morphine believes he is the First."

"Do you?"

Outside the Travelodge, police surrounded the building. A yellow mini came round the corner and three me stepped out. The one in front was the leader.

"Inspector, you are a retard." He said.

"She is one girl. I sent a squad up there. She'll have her ass kicked." And to emphasise this point, a policeman was thrown out the window.

"She kicked my ass." He said, before he passed out.

Infinity ran up onto the roof. She heard Abents coming after her. She had to jump the twenty-foot gap between the roof she was on and the next. Remembering her training in the 'Flump' program, she jumped, and she made it. So did the Abents for that matter. She pulled out her stylish Nokia camera phone and typed in a number.

"Welcome to the Faketrix hotline. The Operator is too pissed to take your call at the moment. If you would like to find an exit, press one. If you are currently being chased by Abents, press two. If you have been perving on the saviour of humanity, press three. If you have done all three within the last thirty seconds, hi Infinity, and your nearest exit is down the road."

"Dank, you're a tosser." Infinity said, hanging up. As she ran to the phone box, a monster truck, which coincidentally happened to be the winner of the 2004 Destruction Derby burst through a wall.

She typed in a number.

The monster truck accelerated.

She disappeared as the monster truck ploughed into the phone booth. Abent Whiff swore loudly. Two other Abents appeared, out of breath and sweaty.

"She got out." Agent Whiff said, replacing his stylish £129 FCUK sunglasses from specsavers.

"Yes, but we know their next target."

"He is called BO"

**The Chapter with BO**

Tommy Sanderson woke up at his computer. His T-shirt was overworn. Originally it was white, but now, well, let's just say that there were more things living on it than people living in the United States. Even half-eaten pizzas had their own civilization growing on them. He looked at his computer screen. It said:

"**Wake up BO."**

He tried Ctrl, Alt, Delete, but nothing happened, then another message appeared.

"**Follow the White Rabbit."**

He typed:

"_Why?"_

"**Don't argue, you stinking sod. I know about the Faketrix."**

He began to type "_How?"_ but the computer shut down.

"Bugger." There was a knocking at the door. He opened it up, and there was a white rabbit holding a pocket watch.

" 'Scuse me, do you know where the Dunderland Veterans convention is being held? The Sad Fecker and the April Bunny are holding an unbirthday party."

"I know where the "Drunk Skunk" is, I was going to get pissed there now, as a matter of fact."

"I'll join you." The rabbit seemed to know the way, so Tommy followed him.

"So, I had Dallas in my house, right. She finds this biscuit saying, "Eat Me." The bitch did and all." Said the White Rabbit, when he had finished his pint of Strongbow. Tommy nodded. "So, I'm a rabbit without a house."

"Don't rabbits live in holes?"

"I am not a bloody hobbit! Short furry creatures that cannot act, and run about having quests."

"True."

Then all of a sudden, a woman in tight black PVC approached them.

"Thanks, Whitey. Hop along now."

"See ya Tommy." Said Whitey

"Hello BO." Said Infinity.

"How did you find out about that name?" he asked.

"I know all about you. I know how many pizzas you order a week, how much your Internet bill costs a month, and how many times you have sex a year." (Coincidentally, the answers to these were 55 pizzas a week£14.99 a month, and once, but that did not really count.)

"Who are you?" asked Tommy.

"They call me Infinity."

"You mean the Infinity that downloaded MSN version 7.1 BETA in 3.14159 seconds?"

"That was a long time ago. You are searching for him, BO. I did too. Then I realised he was searching for me. He will tell you the answer to your question."

"How to get an erection?"

"No, the other question."

"Oh, right. What is the Faketrix." Tommy whispered.

Infinity moved closer to him. He thought she was going to kiss him. He moved closer. Then suddenly, everything went black.

Pain…

"…Morphine…"Tommy called out in his sleep. He was still dreaming about the woman in the black PVC catsuit. Then the alarm clock went off. Tommy B. Sanderson looked at the clock, It said 9:45.

"SHIT!" he yelled. He need to be at work for 9.


	2. Part Two

**The Chapter with the stylish camera phone:**

Tommy got in at 10:15. He felt as if every traffic light he had come close to suddenly changed to red. Everything had gone wrong for him that day, and it was not going to get any better. His boss was waiting for him. "Do you know what time it is, Mr. Anderson?" 

Tommy knew, but he made a big show of looking at his watch, and looking very surprised.

"Ten fifteen, sir." He replied.

"If I wanted to hire someone short, slow, and to be quite honest, a fucking slimeball, I would have hired a slug. But I don't, so make sure you get your ass here on time tomorrow."

"Yes, sir" Tommy sounded extremely pissed off.

He worked for about two hours in his office. (Well, if you counted looking at nude pictures and videos of women 'work', then, yeah, he worked for two solid hours.) Suddenly there was a knock at his door, so Tommy turned off the screen of his computer, and he called "Come in." It was a delivery boy.

"Mr. Sanderson?"

"Yes."

"I gotta package for you."

"Thanks." Tommy signed the clipboard. He took the package and opened it. Inside was a stylish camera phone. It rang:

"Hello BO."

"Who is this?" Tommy asked. (Now, wouldn't you be puzzled if someone gave you a phone in a package, and you didn't know who phoned, and if you didn't even have an idea of what the phone number of this phone was, you would probably be freaked out.)

"The question is not "Who is this?" but "why is this?""

"What?"

"I am searching for you. So are they."

"Who?"

"Look up." Tommy looked up over his open planned office, and he saw three official looking men.

"Fuck!" he said down the phone.

"If they find you, they will shove a slug up your arse. Run down the row to the furthest office. Keep low. Now!" Not knowing why the hell he was listening to a voice on a mobile number, he ran to the furthest office down the row.

"Now go to the women's toilets. Also, just a small point. I know about what you are thinking, and it isn't going to happen." The voice said.

Tommy wondered how the voice at the end of the line knew about his favourite fantasy (which I cannot really say, because I cannot put anything that is NC-17 on but he burst into the toilets.

"Now climb onto the sinks, and wash that dog crap off your left shoe. You stepped in it on the way into work."

"Bloody hell!" He looked at his left show, and, surprisingly, there was some dog crap on his left shoe.

"Now open the window. You will see some scaffolding. You will have to do a triple back flip with a half twist off it."

"Piss off!"

"Fine. Throw the phone out of the window. I will find you, BO. Goodbye, BO."

Tommy lobbed the phone out of the window. He heard it smash in the car park one story below. Tommy hoped that he had done the right thing. The suddenly, the door burst open. Abent Whiff and two other Abents stood in the doorway.

"Mr Sanderson!"

The nest thing Tommy knew, he was sitting in a room with Abent Whiff and a thick file in front of him.

"Mr Sanderson, you are accused of every Spam email offence known to Man. How do you plead?"

"How about, I give you the fingers," he then put the middle finger of his left hand up, then the middle finger of his right, then he made a 'V' with his left and then a 'V' with his right, then started flashing them all to the three Abents in the room. "And you give me a phone call."

"What is the point of a phone call, when you're mobile phone battery is dead?"

As Tommy looked, he saw his mobile battery, which was fully charged drop.

"Snail him." Said Abent Whiff.


	3. Chapter 3

The Chapter with the little Mini out of the Italian Job

Tommy woke up and wondered if all he had experienced had been a dream. It was late and he decided to go for a pint or five. He wandered out of his flat, and walked out onto the street. As he walked underneath a very dodgy looking bridge where about a dozen or so different tramps and hobos sat exchanging stories about they wasted lives. Suddenly, a little red mini pulled up and one of the back doors opened. He looked in and saw Infinity.

"Get in."

Tommy's dreams about wild sex in the back of this little car were suddenly vaporised when he saw some dude driving the car in black leather, and a blonde butch woman who Tommy thought was a lesbian. Another thought suddenly ran through his head, but with the look of her, he chucked it out of his head.

"Take off your trousers." Said Infinity. Again, wild thoughts went through his head, but as he saw them take out quite a large dodgy looking machine being pulled out from underneath one of the seats.

"What is that for?" said Tommy, in his white Calvin Klein boxers, was suddenly feeling very aroused when he saw Infinity bend over, saw he could see down her top.

"Excellent." Said Infinity as she saw he was aroused. She attached the large dodgy looking machine to his erect penis.

"What the hell are you doing!" he yelled.

"We think you are bugged. We need to sort it out. This machine will…well you will see now." And as she turned it on, a strong feeling swept over him. It was the same feeling that he got when he pleasured himself, and as he reached his climax, the butch possible-lesbian put a cup over the end of his penis, but the only thing that came out was a small slug like object. He suddenly reared up.

"Shit that thing came out of me!"

"Yeah, you are clean now." Said Infinity. For some reason she seemed impressed. They all drove off, with Tommy struggling to do up his flies. As they entered a building, Infinity told him.

"You are about to meet him."

"Who?"

"The leader of us chosen few, the one who leads us into battle."

"Tony Blair?" Tommy asked

"Tony Blair? Oh, come on! He is a little idiot, a puppet of the Abents."

"I thought that he was a puppet of George W. Bush."

"George W. Bush? Maybe…then again…he is too much of an idiot."

As they entered the room, a very tall black man with a pair of glasses that seemed to be a crossbreed from the glasses of Elton John, Dame Edna Everage and Deirdre Barlow from Coronation Street. He also had an Afro the size of a satellite dish.

"B.O, welcome, my name is Morphine.


	4. Chapter 4

The Chapter with the little Mini out of the Italian Job

Tommy woke up and wondered if all he had experienced had been a dream. It was late and he decided to go for a pint or five. He wandered out of his flat, and walked out onto the street. As he walked underneath a very dodgy looking bridge where about a dozen or so different tramps and hobos sat exchanging stories about they wasted lives. Suddenly, a little red mini pulled up and one of the back doors opened. He looked in and saw Infinity.

"Get in."

Tommy's dreams about wild sex in the back of this little car were suddenly vaporised when he saw some dude driving the car in black leather, and a blonde butch woman who Tommy thought was a lesbian. Another thought suddenly ran through his head, but with the look of her, he chucked it out of his head.

"Take off your trousers." Said Infinity. Again, wild thoughts went through his head, but as he saw them take out quite a large dodgy looking machine being pulled out from underneath one of the seats.

"What is that for?" said Tommy, in his white Calvin Klein boxers, was suddenly feeling very aroused when he saw Infinity bend over, saw he could see down her top.

"Excellent." Said Infinity as she saw he was aroused. She attached the large dodgy looking machine to his erect penis.

"What the hell are you doing!" he yelled.

"We think you are bugged. We need to sort it out. This machine will…well you will see now." And as she turned it on, a strong feeling swept over him. It was the same feeling that he got when he pleasured himself, and as he reached his climax, the butch possible-lesbian put a cup over the end of his penis, but the only thing that came out was a small slug like object. He suddenly reared up.

"Shit that thing came out of me!"

"Yeah, you are clean now." Said Infinity. For some reason she seemed impressed. They all drove off, with Tommy struggling to do up his flies. As they entered a building, Infinity told him.

"You are about to meet him."

"Who?"

"The leader of us chosen few, the one who leads us into battle."

"Tony Blair?" Tommy asked

"Tony Blair? Oh, come on! He is a little idiot, a puppet of the Abents."

"I thought that he was a puppet of George W. Bush."

"George W. Bush? Maybe…then again…he is too much of an idiot."

As they entered the room, a very tall black man with a pair of glasses that seemed to be a crossbreed from the glasses of Elton John, Dame Edna Everage and Deirdre Barlow from Coronation Street. He also had an Afro the size of a satellite dish.

"B.O, welcome, my name is Morphine.


	5. The Dodgy Birth

The Dodgy Birth

"I am sure you are wondering why you are here, B.O. If you are not, then you should be; it is not often that you are approached by a beautiful woman, or any woman, is it B.O"  
Tommy looked uncomfortable as he shuffled about in his chair, as Morphine shook out two pills from a little tub and placed them on the table.  
"I am sure you are feeling like Mr. Bean at the moment"  
"What"  
"Always seeming to be getting into strange situations that lead to even stranger things"  
"Yeah I guess"  
"Well it's gonna get a hell of a lot stranger dude" said the guy in the black leather who had driven the Mini. "8-pack, zip it. Get to work on the connection"  
"Already on it, man," said the guy in the black leather who was known as 8-pack. Tommy looked at his black dreadlocks that went halfway down his back (Must provide a comfy cushion thought Tommy) and the cigarette that was nearly falling out of his lips. "B.O., what you have hear are two choices. This pill," Morphine pointed at the blue pill "will give you an insatiable sex drive, and girls will be attracted to you, while the red pill" he pointed to the red pill "will show you just how far this trouble will take you"  
Tommy looked at this black guy with the satellite-dish Afro and the glasses that were off the chart in the dodgy scale, asked, "What is the blue pill"  
"Viagra"  
"And the red?" "Cherry Drop"  
Tommy considered this option for a second. What he said was "Well, I like Cherry Drops." While in his head was "Well, I do want to have an insatiable sex drive, I mean who doesn't, but then if I don't take the Cherry Drop I might not be able to see Infinity again, and if I can't have an insatiable sex drive with her as my partner, then what is the point at all? Take the Cherry Drop."

Tommy took the Cherry Drop, and as he did, he noticed the mini-television screen wave a bit. "Strange," Tommy thought, looking at his watch, "it isn't time for EastEnders yet." He went up to the screen and touched it. A little bit of the Queen Vic. pub peeled off onto his finger.  
"Far out, ain't it dude!" drawled 8-pack from the back of the room, as Tommy started to put the rest of his hand inside the television screen, then suddenly, the whole of the Queen Vic, and the entire Slater family started working their way up his body.  
"8-pack, we got a signal from Base yet?" asked Morphine, seemingly oblivious that Tommy was being swallowed by weird goo coming from the television. "Not yet." 8-pack didn't seem to be trying hard, rolling another cigarette and putting it behind his ear.  
The television screen was now going down Tommy's mouth and before he blacked out, he heard 8-pack shout "BINGO"  
"You got a signal?" asked Morphine, looking a bit worried.  
"No, I got Bingo." 8-pack pointed to the screen at a flashing pop-up saying "eightpack FULL HOUSE!" "Oh-got a signal now." Said 8-pack after taking a very long drag in celebration of his winning. 


End file.
